With Absolutely No Help From My Friends
by AdamPascalFan
Summary: Blaine knew his friends meant well. He still wanted to kill them. An alternative take on the ring buying scene in All or Nothing


Blaine was pretty sure he would prefer to have told Cooper his plans. At least then, he would only have to deal with his brother. "_I promise to be_ _helpful and supportive Squirt. Besides this will totally help for when I get cast as the Chief Supreme Justice in Spielberg's Academy Award winning epic about making gay marriage legal. Oh! I bet I can put a word in for you!_" Sure there would be pointing involved, and Blaine wasn't 100% sure Cooper could resist the opportunity to "practice his craft" by deciding the best help would be for him to be Kurt if anyone asked. But Blaine had grown up with Cooper. He knew how his brother operated. He was a black belt ninja level expert on dealing with that level of insanity.

It had to be easier than trying to look at engagement rings with most of New Directions along for the ride.

When he told Tina during their second period study hall his plans, he had sworn her to secrecy. And Tina, to her credit, had promised not to say a word. Apparently, however, the secret only applied to their mutual friends who had graduated, because when he walked into the choir room after school for practice, Mr. Schue wasn't there, and ten pairs of eyes were greeting him with an expectant delight. Marley jumped up and down, and hugged Blaine tightly, who could only stiffly return the hug in complete, utter confusion.

One look at Tina, and Blaine could only hang his head in disappointment at himself for trusting her. Tina wasn't exactly trying to hide the fact that she hadn't exactly won Secret Keeper of the Year award, either. She was cowering in the corner, trying to hide behind Unique's admittedly fabulous fuchsia cape. Blaine was torn between being amused and angry, so he chose mildly annoyed. "_Tina_. You said you wouldn't say anything."

"Please. " Kitty rolled her eyes while making a study of her nails. "She's the school gossip. You expecting her to keep news like that a secret is as naïve as Marley telling me all her boy troubles."

"It's true." Sugar agreed with what Blaine could only figure was a lime green bath sponge on her head. "Besides my real life Jiminy Cricket we're here to help you."

"Help me?" Blaine echoed back in bewilderment. He was pretty sure he needed help, but nothing that didn't involve a straight-jacket and nice men in white coats.

"Yes. " Unique rose from her seat in the back row, swinging her cape and strutting down without any fear of tripping in her leopard print stilettos. "With the combined fabulousness of myself and Marley, the access to the best jeweler in Lima thanks to Sugar's father…"

"Still not in the mafia." Sugar sang out with a happy nod.

"Plus Brittany to distract Mr. Schue from realizing we should all be rehearsing." Unique continued.

"I told him I wanted a special one on one interview with him for Fondue for Two. Mr. Tubbington is going to shave his head."

"Tina is going to advise on your beloved's taste." Unique nodded in Tina's direction before stopping next to Artie. "And our fearless director is going to make sure this is a proposal to remember."

"Thank you for the thought guys really but I don't need you to plan out my proposal for me." Blaine protested squeezing the strap of his messenger bag between his fingers.

"With all due respect Blaine" Artie started towards him, pushing his glasses up with one finger. "I've seen video of something called The Gap Attack on You Tube. You would be lost without me."

"Or me." Kitty declared jumping her seat, causing her cheer skirt to swing as she went next to Artie. "I call veto power so you won't buy anything entirely lame. And I only agreed to do this for like two hours, so time's wasting. "She snapped her fingers in the air. "Let's go. Girls in Tina's Prius. Boys you all follow in Blaine's Volvo."

"Wait. I never agreed to this," Blaine protested as the entire room stood up to follow Kitty's directions. "And even I did, why are you guys coming?" he asked, but apparently his protests met on deaf ears, because Ryder, Joe, Jake and Sam were already following along behind Artie.

"Support dude." Sam clasped his hand down on Blaine's shoulder. "I love you and I still think you're crazy but I want to support you."

"Same here." Jake chimed in with a shrug. "Except for the whole love you part. I mean we're cool and I like you dude but no. No offense."

"None taken."

"What are you guys doing? Auditioning to replace Dan as Gossip Girl? "Kitty stuck her head back into the choir room. "Less talking, more walking."

"You know Kitty, the Bible lists patience as one of the virtues of love," Joe reminded her.

"Still not asking your opinion Rasta Jesus."

* * *

"I said I was sorry." Tina sighed for the fifteenth time in the past thirty minutes. "I didn't mean to tell them. I don't know what it is about Kitty but she can make people tell her _anything_. One minute I'm eating lunch with Sugar totally not talking about it and the next thing I know Kitty sits down with us and the entire story comes out. She has weird bitchy cheerleader magic. I swear that girl totally has a future with the Secret Service or something."

"You couldn't have sworn them to secrecy?" Blaine asked as he kept one eye on Ryder at the other end of the store. He knew Ryder was trying to be supportive but being asked to leave a second jewelry store because Ryder accidentally jumped into a display in his excitement over "_matching rings dude! It's like fate!_" wasn't on Blaine's bucket list.

"Sugar had already texted Artie and Joe." Tina mumbled. "And then I was too busy trying to figure out what that relationship would look like."

"Don't try to think about it too long." Sam advised from Blaine's left. "Artie tried to explain it to me the other day but all I got was a headache."

"Oh!" Sugar squealed as she shoved Tina out of her way and nearly bounced on top of the glass display case. "That's it. That's the perfect ring."

Blaine squatted down to take a closer look at the ring Sugar was pointing to. He looked up at her, pointing to make sure he was looking at the right one. Seeing her nod, Blaine straightened himself up and shot Sam an imploring look while mouthing 'Help me.' Sam, though, unhelpfully threw up his hand and walked away towards an increasingly nervous-looking Jake. Promising himself that the next time Sam needed a third person to play _My Little Pony_ with him and Stacy, Sam was just going to have to find himself a new best friend. Blaine took a deep breath. "Sugar that's a very unique ring."

"I know. And expensive. That's why it's the best."

"Thank you so much for your input," Blaine said after a long pause. "But it's just not the look I was going for."

It was true. It wasn't. It looked like every colored gem in the world had been thrown up and arranged in the shape of a dollar sign. Blaine was pretty sure he had seen L'il Wayne with smaller rings. "And while it's lovely, it's also a woman's ring and Kurt doesn't wear women's rings."

"Kurt?" Sugar leveled a look that clearly indicated she thought Blaine was the one making the off base suggestion here. "That's not for Kurt. That's for daddy to buy me. Duh."

"Your dad to buy you?"

"Yeah. Because per our agreement Artie buys me all the newest techno toys and Joe buys me necklaces. That leaves rings for daddy. But if you think Kurt would like it I can ask Daddy to buy it for him too."

"No that's ok Sugar. I'm fine with getting a different ring." Blaine tried to imagine a situation where showing up with a ring handpicked by Sugar for herself wouldn't end in disaster but couldn't do it.

"Suit yourself," Sugar said with a shrug as she hopped off the counter. "I'm going to show Kitty the entire case I have reserved for my birthday party next month."

"I should probably go over there and save Sugar from herself." Tina mused as she reclaimed her spot next to Blaine. "Kitty might kill her. and then we'd need to recruit someone to fill in for Regionals."

"Sugar will be fine," Marley promised as she walked over. "I think Kitty's more likely to figure out a way to get Sugar's dad to buy her something too. She doesn't have a moral issue with mafia money."

"Maybe Kitty will convince Sugar what she really needs is a shopping spree." Blaine muttered. "Not that I don't appreciate the support guys but…"

"Say no more," Unique declared, seeming to appear out of nowhere. "You have a problem? Unique has the solution." Blaine wasn't sure where Unique had been. All he knew was she was currently dragging him by the hand with Tina and Marley scrambling to catch up. All four of them ended up in front of the counter on top of which Joe and Ryder were currently having an arm wrestling match.

Rolling her eyes, Unique shook her head. "Boys, be gone. " Unique ordered in her best 'don't test me' voice. Everyone knew it was best to just obey. The last time someone tried to argue with that tone, it was Finn. The argument had ended in tears. Finn's tears. "We have important business to discuss and you two are no help."

"We are totally helpful!" Ryder protested at the same time following Unique's instructions.

"Child, please." Unique narrowed her eyes as she pointed her finger at Ryder's chest. "You keep jumping up and down over things like matching bracelets and necklaces."

"They're cool ok?"

Ignoring Ryder Unique turned her attention to Joe. "And you just agree that every ring is beautiful."

"Every ring is beautiful because of the sentiment it expresses." Joe explained calmly, not taking the least bit offense at the criticism.

"Just go keep Jake company guys, please?" Marley asked, turning her puppy dog eyes volume from a three up to an eleven. If she ever realized just how powerful those eyes were, Blaine was sure she could take over the world. No one could resist that pleading look on one Marley Rose. At least no heterosexual male that Blaine knew. "He keeps muttering about Puck warning him about girls and jewelry stores and I like his brother, but his advice just sucks. Save Jake from himself?"

"Girl, when we are done here, you are teaching me _exactly_ how you do that." Unique commanded as Joe and Ryder did exactly what Marley had asked. Tina nodded along enthusiastically.

"Yes it's a huge mystery why straight guys do what the pretty skinny nice girl asks." Kitty rolled her eyes. "By the way, Anderson, you owe me big time. I just saved your admittedly perfect ass from doing this proposal on top of an elephant."

"_An elephant?"_ Blaine balked as he looked around the store to see when exactly his brother had come in, because that idea that crazy could have only come from Cooper.

"_Someone_ let Artie see _The Great Gatsby_ opening night because someone wanted to get ideas for her graduation dress. " Kitty glared in Sugar's direction. "All he's been talking about is Baz this and Baz that. Let's just say in addition to an elephant there was a balcony with a pool and the need for you to learn to dance the paso double. You owe me. "

"I'm going to regret owing you aren't I?"

"Yes. But I will love it and that's the important thing." Kitty shrugged. "Now show us the most boring ring in the case because that's the one you're going to like."

"Classic does not mean boring Kitty." Blaine protested as the surprisingly strong blonde dragged him towards the case.

"It does when it comes to you." Kitty argued back.

"Can I help you?" An elfin older lady appeared behind the counter with a quizzical look on her face. "Are you looking for something in particular or are you all part of the world's most obvious shoplifting ring?"

"We're looking for engagement rings." Tina offered linking her arm with Blaine's. Kitty rolled her eyes while Marley and Unique broke out into giggles at the word engagement.

Blaine resisted the urge to squirm away as the lady looked over the five of them, trying to size up the situation. Finally her gaze landed on him. "Tell me you didn't get them all pregnant? Because if you need to figure out where babies come from I'll tell you. Right now."

"No…when she said 'we' she didn't mean us. I mean she meant 'us' but these are my friends. I'm not buying the ring for one of them. It's complicated, but not because it's for one of them. It's for um…" he hesitated for a moment, knowing the reaction he sometimes got when he admitted the truth about his sexuality in that town. "…my uh, boyfriend. Well. ex-boyfriend technically."

"Wow Anderson. I don't think you've babbled this nervously since you sang that song about…" Kitty started but Marley forcibly shoved herself into the smaller girl's hip.

"Come on Kitty," Marley interrupted. "I think Ryder's about to ask Sugar, Joe and Artie how their relationship works. You know you like it when he gets confused." Blaine mouthed the words thank you to Marley as she dragged Kitty away. The favor he would owe Marley was bound to be less potentially painful than the one Kitty was claiming.

"So if it's not one of these young ladies, is your young man one of those gentlemen over there?" The lady gestured to where a rather intense game of rock, paper, scissors had broken out between Jake and Ryder. Blaine couldn't be certain but it did _look_ like Artie was taking bets on the outcome.

"Darling if he was, we would be trying to sabotage here, not help him." Unique shook her head. "But as mixed up and fool-headed as this whole thing is, we all know he's Ricky to Kurt's Lucy, so we choose to use our powers for good. This time. Now if you excuse me, I see some earrings that will go perfectly with my fur coat. Tina, call me for final approval."

To Blaine's relief, the woman didn't seemed scandalized at all. In fact, Blaine was pretty sure there was a twinkle of approval in her eyes. "Well if he's not here, then why don't you tell me about your young man so I can better help you find the perfect ring."

"You…really want to hear about him?" Blaine asked softly. He was aware of Tina walking away. Not that he could blame her. She had listened to him talk about Kurt more times than anyone else this year.

"Of course I do. I remember what it is like to be young and in love. It's part of the reason why my Liz and I own this place." With a bright smile, she offered her hand. "I'm Jan."

"Blaine. It's nice to meet you."

"Blaine. I think it's wonderful that your friends are here supporting you, however…_oddly_ that may be expressed." Jan paused as Sam began to do his Sean Connery in _Entrapment_ impression. Sugar was enthusiastically volunteering to be his Catherine Zeta Jones. It was a good thing Sean Connery wasn't one of Sam's best impressions otherwise Blaine would have begun to freak out about having to explain to the police that no the entire glee club really wasn't planning to rob a jewelry store. "But I do have to ask if you've talked to anyone that isn't in high school about this. "

"Well…"

"I'm going to take that as a no. Listen, I'm going to make you a deal. You come to dinner with myself and Liz. Bring your young man as well. We'll all talk and if you still want to get engaged after that, then tomorrow you and I will go through every ring in this store to find the perfect one."

"I think that sounds like….." Blaine's voice trailed off as a very familiar face waltzed into the store. No. No. It couldn't be. No. Tina did not do this to him.

Snapping his sunglasses off his face, Cooper Anderson posed for a full minute in the doorway to make sure everyone in the store knew he was there. Helping him with this mission, Sugar let out a squeal that was so loud even Joe flinched away from her. Marley froze, her eyes opening wider than Blaine thought was possible. Kitty wolf-whistled her appreciation while Unique put her hand on her chest. "Thank you Lord. You can take me now."

Which left Tina trying to hide behind Artie's chair for protection. It was decided. Blaine was going to kill her.

Spotting his younger brother across the room, Cooper's face lit up in a smile and he pointed. "Blainey! I know you didn't think you were going to go ring shopping without me."

"Cooper how did you even know about this? I didn't tell you for a reason."

"Squirt. I am hurt. " _Oh God_, Blaine thought. _He's about to yell_. "I am nothing but supportive of you. And you know you can't do this without your best man."

"Hey. _**I'm**_the best man." Sam took a step forward, outrage written on his face. "_**I'm **_here with him."

"I like the use of emotion. Way to commit to your craft, dude. Next time, try practicing emphasizing different words. Or you could just do what Nick Cage does and emphasize everything."

"I'm not committing to any craft. _**I'm**_ the best man. Blaine said."

"First off by definition the title of best man goes to the best looking man in the groom's life."

"Coop," Blaine protested. "I'm completely positive that's not what that term means."

Cooper continued as if Blaine had never spoken. "Secondly, I'm his brother, so even if I didn't already meet the first definition I meet the second. I'm the best man. But you can be the second best man. There is no shame in second unless it's on _American Idol_. Words to live by kids. You may want to write that down."

"Cooper," Blaine said, shaking his head, "you just made that up. And how did you even know where we are?" The anger was boiling just below the surface, and Blaine was pretty sure this was how Bruce Banner felt when he was trying to control his temper. If he took one step closer to his brother, he wasn't entirely sure what would happen, but in all likelihood, it would involve violence, which would most definitely involve the cops being called, and again, trying to explain that scenario to an officer and then his parents was enough to make his head spin.

"Details. Your people told my people."

"You don't have people. You have a roommate you pay to pretend to be your agent's secretary and you practice your English accent to convince people you have an agent."

"Like I said Blainey. Details. They don't matter. Your best man is here and now we can look at rings while I fill you in on the script I wrote for your proposal."

"Oh hell no." Artie surged forward, jerking Tina with him since she was still holding on to the handles of his chair. "I have complete artistic control here. You will not compromise my vision."

"And I'm the best man." Sam fell in step next to Artie.

"There's only one way to settle this." Cooper nodded in what Blaine was sure his brother thought was thoughtful. It was probably closer to "confused by basic addition."

"Listening to Blaine?" Blaine asked hopefully.

"Dance off." Sam clapped his hands together forcefully causing everyone to jump. "Body rolls. Parking lot. Five minutes."

"Competition and a chance for you to learn from the best. I like the way you think." Cooper nodded. "I have the demos for _Magic Mike_ the Musical in my car. We can use that."

The rest of the club exited the store at various paces. Cooper, Sam and Artie were determined. The girls swarmed out in an excited giggling mass. Ryder and Joe were teasing Jake about being a better dance than all of them (well at least Sam) and getting into the competition. Blaine turned around to look at Jan. "I don't suppose there's a back entrance I could use?"

"Come on. I'll drive you home and we'll pick up Liz along the way. And maybe if we're really lucky the security cameras will capture the entire competition and we'll get rich on one of those viral videos you kids make."


End file.
